i dont have any..

i wont write anything in indonesian. it hurts me so much to describe it tbh. what i want to write is something that i hid for a long time. i didnt mean to hide it tho, its just.. i'm socially introvert. i dont easily get to know/closer with people, even the nicest person to me. being ignored, betrayed, all those feelings control me. even i dont know where should i begin to talk now.



well, as what i said before that i dont easily get to know with new people, i cant even get closer to some people that nice to me, i just can't trust them enough to share anything. some ppl that i thought is nice are just too rude. i shared what i feel and what i hid to them, but they spread it like there's nothing. i was mad. i hate being betrayed like that. and that's one of the reason why i stay quiet and even dont want to share anything to people that are nice to me. i'm scared. i'm so afraid. people can't keep their words. i know it's not like ALL people are being like that, but still i'm too scared. i dont share any single of my personal feeling towards people. i stay quiet because i dont wanna feel more pains. but thats the beginning of the case. i stay quiet and let people do everything without realizing my existance. i'm being ignored. being ignored because i keep quiet and leave space between us. i dont want people 'ruin' my world so i keep drawing the line. and thats the main reason why i've grown as an introvert girl.

people think i'm selfish, stiff, tempramental, etc whatever. i dont even care what they think. arogant, right? i'm actually not. i just have no deal with my own self. i hate being ignored, betrayed, i hate being alone. but i also being socially awkward in public, i dont even know how to behave in public. i look like some freak girl who is busy with her own world.

ok, well.. i've grown to be a lonely girl, i guess. just look how i grew up. its not like i'm blaming it on my parents but seriously, they are worker. they, even my mom whom i thought should stay at home talking and playing with me is also a worker. they barely stayed at home. i mostly spent my time with my nanny, playing with friends or by my self. its not like they went home when i slept, no, its not like that. but still, the amount of time i had with them was terrible. even i've never gone vacation with my fam out of the city or took dinner outside specially. they arrived at home tirely. i can still remember how tired they are. seeing their face like "i'm so tired, please just be a nice girl so we can take some good rest", kinda like that. so i cant blame it on them, they are also physically and mentally tired.

and then, thats how i love being alone. as i grew up and dont need nanny to take care of me, i stayed at home alone. i love it so much, at first. did everything what we cant do when your parents at home. i was singing, watching movies, dancing, everything. at that time, i would proudly said "i love being alone. thanks for leaving me. i love it when nobody is at home." all those teens's happiness. that was my favorite.

but now i'm facing the truth. the real face of the world. how people can be a double face to the closest one, how can people take advantage of others, everything looks scary to me. have you imagine you are in a crowded place where people are talking and laughing over their conversation but only you who sit in the corner play by your self because you usually stay quiet, get ignored and dont know how to start a topic? thats what happened to me. since i've grown as a lonely, introvert girl, i realized i have noone but my self. i can't rely on others. i cant easily trust people to help my problems. i keep staying quiet. locking my lips shut and let my eyes and ears work and see everything. i'm scared to death to have interraction. i hate being in an awkward situation so i fade away let them think of my non-existance. sometimes i ask, "what should i do?" "keep staying in this dark, cold, quiet world but can still enjoy it or break the line and become a new person without guarantee that ppl will accept the new of me"